Soul Vent: The Uncut Version

Awaiting Our King

2007-12-25T06:43:00.000-08:00

The sermon I heard at the Christmas Service we attended with extended family over the weekend was interesting. It was 95% the best sermon I've heard in years -- all about us awaiting, with great anticipation, the coming of Christ (just as they did in the first century). It was really an honest discussion of the fact that life sooner or later will break your heart, and when it does, those are the moments when you will either seek Him (await, with great anticipation, His coming) or you will detach from everything spiritual and everyone around you. It was great reflection on the real spiritual journey and the realities that we all must face.

I hesitate to even mention the other 5%, because I try so hard not to be critical and negative. But I must write about that part too, because it also taught me something. For some unexplained reason, the speaker inserted a brief section about hating political correctness and about us being right and everyone else being wrong, blah, blah, blah. (at least it tied in the preceding drama which had been all about how evil everyone is in trying to take away the phrase "Merry Christmas").

Instead of getting angry about this, I took up some advice I heard back in the early 90's while I was in seminary: when the sermon is bad, I heard, then use the time as an opportunity to reflect on what the real truth is instead of being preoccupied by the lack of quality you are hearing.

I had a realization: many people of this preacher's generation (he was probably in his late 50s or early 60s) remember a world where USAmerican life somewhat reflected the Kingdom of God. So, they are still so motivated by this idea of us versus them, of we have to save America, of America is God's chosen people, and I'll dare they take away Christian principles from the public square, etc., etc., etc. I began reflecting on why I am so nauseated by all of that kind of rhetoric. Why do I just assume that the Kingdom of God is not America, and our mission is not to make it so, while others (many of a previous generation) will make that battle so important that they almost lose sight of love?

I sat there and wished that he would just be Christ's follower -- just do it for the world to see -- instead of lowering himself to debate the world. Why not just live truth in the midst of culture instead of trying so damn hard to yell back at the culture? I just don't get it.

I think I figured out why I feel differently. I didn't grow up in a "Kingdom of God" version of USAmerica. Not saying that I grew up in a bad place -- it was actually quite nice. But rarely did I grow up really experiencing Kingdom reality. I did occasionally at home because I had a good family. I rarely experienced it at church (which is just as much my fault as everyone else's). I never experienced it going to school or interacting with the other functions of my culture. In fact, it was a few close friends along the way, and of course family, that provided glimpses of Kingdom reality.

So I guess I don't believe USAmerica is God's country and that my mission in life is to preserve it, or fight to get it back, or whatever. I like living here -- but that is mainly because I'm a selfish consumer.

I believe my mission is to live out Kingdom reality (the best broken little me can) in the midst of whatever is happening around me in culture.

I guess that's why I won't raise a banner to say "Merry Christmas" instead of whatever, and why I won't vote for the most conservative candidate, and why I don't buy into a lot of what I hear.

But back to the 95% of the sermon. It was great. We all start to find the King in the place where our hearts are most broken. As we grow more mature we learn to go through problems instead of around them -- or maybe we just learn to trust instead of manipulate -- at least sometimes.

Here's to awaiting our King this Christmas.

The Powers, and My Newfound (Temporary?) Freedom

2007-11-11T06:47:00.000-08:00

Been re-reading "Christ & the Powers" by Hendrik Berkhof. It is a simple book on some of the most complex theology in the Bible. It refers to several places where the word "powers" is used in the New Testament, and what it really refers to. Most of them are verses we skip over quickly because we're not sure what they mean. For example:

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor present nor future, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other creature, will be able to separate us from the love of God . . ." Romans 8:28.

We usually just paraphrase "nothing can separate us from the love of God" instead of diving into exactly what each of those phrases really means.

I won't spoil the book, but Berkhof lists some of the powers: the State, politics, class, social struggle, national interest, public opinion, accepted morality, ideas of decency, humanity, and democracy.

It's basically the stuff that organizes life and keeps it from being chaotic. It can even encompass religion (such as legalistic systems). The powers were created as good things, but have often come under evil control, at least temporarily.

To me, I see so much of modern suburban life as in control of the powers: the structured work week, the dual income family, the soccer mom phenomena (every person in the house must be incredibly busy with involvements that keep everyone running from morning to night), etc. Even church membership in the recently booming mega churches becomes part of it. Again, none of it is bad in and of itself. It just is. It is reality.

Berkof goes on to say that "precisely by giving unity and direction they (the powers) separate us from the true God; they let us believe that we have found the meaning of existence, whereas they really estrange us from true meaning."

So true!

I know my fortunate circumstances are likely temporary. But I'm enjoying getting up on a weekend morning, in a new surrounding, without many involvements. I'm sure they will come. But for now I'm very happy that my kids are not on any sports teams, that we don't belong to a "church," that I have no civic organization memberships, etc. I go to work Monday through Friday and do whatever it takes to get a job done. Then I'm free nights and weekends (for the most part). I'm odd in my neighborhood -- everyone else is overwhelmed with involvements. I'm sure my day is soon coming. But for now I'm really enjoying my strange counter-cultural existence. And it is helping me understand Berkof's stuff about the powers.

The Truth About My Journey

2007-10-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

I've experienced God deeply in a room full of people passionately worshipping to music -- it usually happens many minutes into the experience. I've experienced God deeply through liturgy as well, but (sadly) usually only in a room by myself, and usually only many minutes into the experience. And both only occasionally. It can't be planned.

But . . . I don't have that experience every Sunday just because that's when the band starts singing. I don't have that experience every Sunday just because that's when the leader begins the liturgy.

I've connected with God mysteriously (maybe had a spiritual experience?) only a few times in my life:

once in the back of a pickup truck in Honduras, reflecting on a week of service there
at a CIY worship gathering at a small college in northern Indiana (where I was there supposedly to be the leader of a group of high schoolers)
once lying on my back, staring upwards, circled with close friends, in a sanctuary in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico
several times in the midst of a long worship set, or an intense prayer time, at a gathering or at a retreat, or a national meeting of simple church leaders

Each time was unplanned, accidental, and most important to my spiritual journey.

(Of course, this journey isn't just about experiencing God -- whatever that means anyway -- but it partially about that.)

I could go to a church that worships to great music, or prays intensely, every Sunday hoping to get these deep connections. Right now I don't.

I could go to a church that shares the liturgy together in a meaningful way every Sunday hoping to get these deep connections. Right now I don't.

I long for a small community of people who want to meet often to seek God in these ways. I don't have those people right now. Even if I did, and even if we met regularly seeking it, we would (probably) not find it most of the times we met. At least that's what I suspect.

So I feel free to worship on any Sunday at (almost) any evangelical, charismatic, Roman Catholic, or mainline church.

But I also feel free to gather with Rebekah, Tori, & Lucas in my home to do the same. We often do that, and we pray God will send others if/when/how He wishes.

I also feel free to hide away in solitude and seek Him as well, knowing that mysteriously I'm still united with the church universal as I do so. And in some ways, since I'm (we're) so broken and incomplete, that those times are sometimes more meaningful than the forced spiritual meetings held each week in buildings all around me.

We are the church. We must struggle to flesh out what that means and quit pretending that the church is a time and a place and a program. Though sometimes the time and place and program become every bit the church. But the journey causes us to stumble upon the real thing because it is the journey, not because of the time and place and program.

Deep Thoughts on Real Love versus Falling in Love

2007-10-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

This week Jeff Flick was here visiting from Vegas. We had dinner together one night. We stumbled into a deep, though short, conversation about what real love means. He pulled from the deep recesses of my brain some insights from M. Scott Peck. These thoughts had been dormant in my mind for years. Here are some quotes I pulled out later to re-examine what I had remembered. These thoughts may seem dark and pessimistic as to marriage and love and first -- but I think a more careful consideration of them shows that once the love feeling is not as strong, the chance to really love someone begins -- and that's the good stuff!

The quotes:

Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love. When a person falls in love what he or she certainly feels is “I love him” or “I love her.” But two problems are immediately apparent. The first is that the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience. We do not fall n love with our children even though we may love them very deeply… We fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated. The second problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we have fallen love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends. The bloom of romance always fade.

The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individual’s ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity wit that of another person. The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved, and the dramatic surcease of loneliness accompanying this collapse of ego boundaries is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! Loneliness is no more! . . .

Or to put it in another, rather crass way, falling in love is a trick that our genes pull on our otherwise perceptive mind to hoodwink or trap us into marriage… On the other hand, without this trick, this illusory and inevitably temporary (it would not be practical were it not temporary) regression to infantile merging and omnipotence, many of us who are happily or unhappily married today would have retreated in whole-hearted terror from the realism of the marriage vows…

In summary, then the temporary loss of ego boundaries involved in falling in love and in sexual intercourse not only leads us to make commitments to other people form which real love may begin but also gives us a foretaste of (and therefore an incentive for) the more lasting mystical ecstasy that can be ours after a lifetime of love. As such, therefore, while falling in love is not itself love, it is a part of the great and mysterious scheme of love.

--taken from The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, pp. 84-97

Agree? Disagree? Reactions?

Committing Our Work to God

2007-10-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

"Show me what blessing it is
that I have work to do.
And sometimes,
and most of all
when the day is overcast
and my courage faints,
let me hear Your voice, saying,
'You are my beloved one
in whom I am well pleased.'"

--"Prayers for committing our work to God," Oswald of Northumbria (from the 600's AD)

Thoughts on My Current Transition

2007-10-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

I originally went into vocational ministry, at least in part, out of a desire to do something meaningful with my life. I wanted to be sure I didn't waste my existence on this planet.

My move out of vocational ministry is the logical "next step" in my journey. (That's a short summary of volumes of thought over months of time.)

Yet I do have a bit of fear that my new life routine, which will include quite a full schedule between work, and kids, and extended family, etc., will be so set in stone that I won't be free enough to question whether it is a meaningful use of life or not. That is both good and bad.

But still, I've come to understand that one's perspective on the little things in life as what really matters. Everyday conversations can start ripple effects that change the world every bit as much (if not more so) than grand orations under bright spotlights.

My identify has really not changed in the past 15 years. I'm a missionary to the postmodern world (or however I would word that at this point in my life). My primary community is my wife and two kids. I have several evolving layers of extended community (both my & Rebekah's families; my neighborhood full of neighbors I already know better than my last several neighborhoods; my soon-to-be professional circles; my old friends who I still bump into from time to time, etc.).

It should be interesting to see how all this goes over the next few years. I aimed toward this on purpose. Being here seems surreal, though.

Doing Something That Really Matters

2007-10-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

Today I received an e-mail from an old Vegas friend, Allan Delaurell. Attached was a photo of Allan in the middle of a puddle of mud, without having shaved in weeks, just having completed the dig for a new well in Bolivia (alas, I couldn't get the photo to copy and paste into this blog entry, but if you know Allan, I think you can create your own mental image of this!). He's there training to do be able to dig wells for people in places without adquate access to clean water.

He may be one of the few people I know who is doing something that really matters with his life. I admire that greatly and hope to learn from it.

The Difficulty of Loving Other People

2007-09-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

I am embarrassed, yet relieved, to share the following quote as very true of my own feelings as well, at least to some degree:

"'I love mankind,' he said, 'but I am amazed at myself: the more I love mankind in general, the less I love people in particular, that is, individually, as separate persons.

In my dreams,' he said, 'I often went so far as to think passionately of serving mankind, and, it may be, would really have gone to the cross for people if it were somehow suddenly necessary, and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone even for two days, this I know from experience. As soon as someone is there, close to me, his personality oppresses my self-esteem and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I can begin to hate even the best of men: one because he takes too long eating his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps blowing his nose. I become the enemy of people the moment they touch me,' he said. 'On the other hand, it has always happened that the more I hate people individually, the more ardent becomes my love for humanity as a whole.'"

from The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky (Part I, Book Two, Chapter 4)

All in all, this was the quote form Brothers K that most riveted me during my first reading. I anticipate I'll need to read this book over again someday down the road.

Mercy & Law

2007-09-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

"No, if you want to punish him terribly, fearfully, with the most horrible punishment imaginable, but so as to save and restore his soul forever -- then overwhelm him with your mercy! You will see, you will hear how his soul will tremble and be horrified: 'Is it for me to endure this mercy, for me to be granted so much love, and am I worthy of it?' he will exclaim!

"The soul will expand and behold how merciful God is, and how beautiful and just people are. He will be horrified, he will be overwhelmed with repentance and the countless debt he must henceforth repay."

--from Defense Attorney's Speech in Brothers Karamazov, by Dostoevsky (the defendant would go on to be convicted of a crime he did not commit -- at least not directly). This quote is found in Part IV, Book Twelve, Chapter 13.

2007-09-15T07:32:00.000-07:00

Matthew 28: Fear & Doubt

In the resurrection account, there are reports of people reacting with both fear and with doubt. The two are somehow related, I think. They are both the opposite of faith/trust.

I've never doubted the existence of God much, though I know many great people who do. I found myself, though, as I read the resurrection account this time, experiencing some flashes of doubt. The doubt did not take me over, but I could feel it. I think it is part of the fear reaction we sometimes have when encountering something great. I find it easier to flirt with doubt over miracle stories more so than over the existence of God. That is probably because I've found a way, even in my rationale self, to become convinced that there must be a God. Miracles continue to remain outside my rationale self, however. They require faith/trust.

2007-09-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

What????

I read this article, which appeared in the Christian Standard, about the Emerging Church.

So weird -- this is an article published by the Christian group I grew up in talking about the Christian group I became associated with later in life.

Now I'm sitting outside both circles in a way (yet still having roots in both, in a way) and reading this, and feeling so many "conflicting conflicts" that I don't know whether to laugh, cry, nod, or scream. Not sure I can explain it any better than that. Two groups I'm in are trying to understand each other and can't, and I'm "proudly embarrassed" to be part, yet not part, of both. How bizarre.

We're so stupid, all of us. Yet this is who we are, and it's all headed somewhere, someday, in spite of us. And I guess that's all that matters.

2007-09-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

Scary End Times Stuff (Mt. 25-26)

I've read it many times;
I've read and heard numerous peoples' interpretations of it;
I've taught it at gatherings;
I've taught it in classes;
I've hashed it out with brothers in late-night discussions;
and I've even got my own (somewhat) innovative ideas of what it really means.

Yet having read it (Mt. 25-26) with fresh eyes this morning . . . . .

. . . . . it's pretty scary stuff.

This requires trust.

2007-09-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, am I (we) ever screwed

It continues. A parable tells me if I don't have mercy on others, God won't have mercy on me.

Then this. A rich man, who has apparently followed a great deal of the law, but can't bring himself to sell everything he has, give it to the poor, and follow, is unable to enter the kingdom. This goes down much harder when I (we) realize I/we am/are, by global standards, the richest people in the world. I have appeased myself by giving 10% (give or take) of my stuff away over the years. But that's hardly the standard given here. Big deal, giving away my scraps.

There is a hint in that story, though, of the larger truth: "With man this (rich people being saved) is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Matthew 19:26

That might be the key verse in Matthew, at least from this perspective I'm looking at it with on this read-through. I'm wondering if that verse should be read more broadly as the theme of all of Jesus teaching in this book: Entering the kingdom is impossible for me, but with God all things are possible.

On the one hand, I've heard/known that since I was a kid. On the other hand, it's making me aware at a much deeper level of my/our brokenness. A bit depressing -- thanks a lot, Stan.

2007-09-06T06:01:00.000-07:00

Chapter 18: Scary? Sure. But Loving.

Scary Words: "If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire." (same idea about gouging out your eyes comes next.)

But context is important. He's talking about not causing harm to a child. I think we can handle those words in that context. (Of course, he uses similar words in a broader context back in chapter 5.)

I quote this just to continue my theme. But it's also becoming increasingly clear as I read this same chapter that the Father's love is an overriding theme: He would leave 99 found sheep just to find one lost sheep, for example.

2007-09-05T05:54:00.000-07:00

Matthew 16, (More Reflections on Stan Getting the #$%^ Scared Out of Him)

Jesus: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (and there's more if you read on.)

Just a few verses before Jesus warned his disciples to be aware of the "yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees." In context, that "yeast" must be legalism.

Yet Jesus words above are, in and of themselves, a law we really can't measure up to. I'm realizing that. We pretend we're losing our life for Him whenever we make some minuscule sacrifice. It's a joke, though. I've tried to re-organize life in many ways to live up to those words. And I believe that is the ideal. Yet much like the Matthew 5-7 stuff ("be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect"), we'll never achieve it. Are these words also just designed to teach us we don't have a chance? Really? I don't want to concede that, because then people will use it as an excuse to blow off even trying. But am I just trapped in a world that is overcome by "the yeast?" Or, am I just pathetic in my inability to live up to this standard?

I'm also reading Brothers K by Dostoevsky. Great dialogue in there about Christian martyrdom and whether one who would chicken out and refuse to die for his faith is really any less qualified for God's grace than one who would allow himself to be flayed alive. It's the same debate I'm having over Jesus' words above. Deep stuff, and no easy solution. Just trust . . . .

2007-08-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe . . . (Matthew 12 thoughts)

Maybe it depends on the audience. I see some people being not so scared of Him -- those who are healed by Him and seem to get the Kingdom idea. Then there are those that get harsh words and treatment from Him -- the religious establishment of the day. Maybe they should be scared.

Not sure it's that simple, but there seems to be two different audiences, for sure.

2007-08-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

Feeling the Tension Between the Old and the New

On (most) Sundays, the four of us have eaten together, then set aside some intentionally spiritual time. It has been a bit awkward, but Tori has emerged as our "worship leader" and made it seem more natural. Tori & Lucas are each sponsoring a child in Bangladesh, which has given us something to focus on during these times. We also pray that other people in our area will join us, but only if/when that would be natural and right.

I still have days when I miss being a teacher/preacher. I feel like I have all this knowledge in my head, and no outlet for it. But then I'm reminded of why we set out on this different journey. I'm reminded that I really believe church is God's family, not God's business. I'm reminded that most all "pastors," even the fairly good ones, lead out of a bizarre combo of care for their people mixed with a dangerous need for self-affirmation, and I'm aware that it's good to be out of that gig -- both for me and for the people who would be forced to give me my fix. I'm reminded that I am getting to know and truly love my neighbors, with no need to manipulate them into coming to my church. We are the church in their midst. It's simple and good.

It's a lonely journey in some ways. Good friends of mine who were trained with me at the same time and place have been "in the business" long enough to now be well established and respected. They are no longer the young peons, but are strating to become the respected church leaders of their generation. Some days I feel I have lost something by chosing another path. Then I'm reminded that this journey I've been called to has a deep meaning, and I really do believe in it. I remind myself not to evaluate any of this for at least two years, then to take a look and see what really is happening within us and among us.

2007-08-27T07:06:00.001-07:00

Matthew 8-9: The Jury is Still Out

OK, on the one hand people flock to him for healing, and he desires "mercy, not sacrifice."

On the other hand, He scares potential disciples away by telling them they have to risk homelessness and that they cannot take a few personal days to attend their parents' funerals.

2007-08-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

Soul Vent: The Uncut Version

I'm glad you found your way here. I needed a new space to really vent my soul. Suddenly I'm a teacher without a teaching venue, and a thinker without a thinkpad. So this will be my venue and my thinkpad for now.

Since I have a new profession, I will be moving in many circles with people of various motives. My general blog will continue to exist for any who would come by, with general life and family updates.

But this will be the space where purge what I really want/need to purge. If you would like to visit occasionally or frequently, go for it. Please bookmark this blog somehow, because I'm going to remain low-key about its existence. I hope and pray that it will find its appropriate audience in time.

And now, the ribbon-cutting of the uncut version . . . .

Stan the Man is Scared!

Phil Webster posted recently:

"the thing that has kept on coming back to me recently is something that Hauerwas said (shocking, I know) at the end of one of our matthew seminars. after spending the class time to read the entire gospel out loud, the first thing Hauerwas said was, 'I don't know about you guys, but Jesus scares the shit out of me.'"

I was intrigued enough by that quote from a guy with so much insight that I decided to start reading through Matthew, thinking about that to see what exactly prompted the comment.

It didn't take long to see. Chapters 5-7 contain teachings of Jesus that basically say:

if you can't get along with another person in your close proximity, you're a murderer!
(put another way: if you write some one off as a fool, you're as good as hell-bound)!
if you fantasize at all, you're an adulterer!
divorced people are adulterers!
if some one winds up and smacks the daylights out of you, turn around and give them another free shot!
the people in life that you really hate, for good reason --- you are expected to love them!
if aren't able to forgive others -- then you're blocking God from forgiving you!
most everyone in polite society is really on the highway to hell; the point is to find the narrow path that actually leads somewhere, but most of the people on the planet will not find it!
Not everyone who calls Jesus "Lord", prophesies in His name, and performs miracles in His name is going to enter the kingdom of heaven! (question raised: where does that leave us people who have only done two out of three? or less?)

Really, these are quite troubling teachings when taken at face value. Or, as Stan put it, this guy is scary. I'm only through seven of the twenty-eight chapters, and I can see where this stuff is worse than a bad horror movie, really.

For crying out loud, He even says "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." What? I know the word "perfect" there really means "complete" or "fulfilled," but that still doesn't help us out much, does it?

How do we reconcile this with the God who loves like a Father? After all, God the loving Father is what what I've been focusing on for a few years, and still need to allow to sink in at a deeper level. It has become my theological preoccupation, and in a very real and meaningful way. But now this!

The easiest way to reconcile it would be to see this teaching in Matthew 5-7 as Jesus' way of giving a wake up call, of saying: "in case you didn't get the point from the OT law, let me raise the bar so you'll all get the point that you're all completely screwed, without a chance in the world to measure up." Kind of a precursor to fully revealing that God is a loving Father, and that such information is incredibly good news.

That's sure the explanation I want to go with. But I'll keep reading Matthew and trying to figure out why Stan the Man made such a shocking quote. I think it will be a good "check-and-balance" theological exercise for me anyway.